Adoption Diary - Molly

Page 1 - includes referral!

This is the full story of Molly's adoption written in diary form. We have left out the diary entries during the long wait prior to her adoption and focused on the entries from the time of referral. This page (page 1) concentrates on the days from a few weeks prior to referral to travel.

For the impatient: Go straight to referral entry!

Page 2 (Travel Story) contains the diary from our trip to Vietnam. Enjoy!

11 January 1999 - First Referral (Laura)

We finally receive our referral – after waiting nearly 2 years. It’s a girl, named Tiên, born in Phan Thiet in southern Vietnam. She’s 16 months old. A week after we got word by letter from our agency, we receive the referral package. We decide to name the little girl Laura. We discover some strange things in the paperwork – Laura has a twin sister, it says they were both malnourished in their first year. Laura has been left at the Phan Thiet orphanage and the other girl stayed in the family who receive financial support from the social protection center. It sounds strange but what can we do? We enquire about the possibility of adopting Laura’s twin, but that does not seem possible. We have some misgivings about separating the two girls, but Laura is "within our homestudy approval" and we can't refuse without ruining our chances of adopting. We go through all the paperwork formalities with the notary etc. And then we wait impatiently.

January – May 1999 - Waiting and Worrying (shortened version)

We spend our time buying baby gear, clothes, etc. We gather all the information we can on Phan Thiet and surrounding areas. We are happy, very excited and impatient. We visit a couple who have also adopted children from Phan Thiet. We have a good time with them, admire their children, and they give us lots of relevant and interesting information.

    After a few weeks we finally receive photos of Laura. She is very pretty but looks unhappy. We look forward to putting a smile on her little face. We e-mail the pictures to everybody, including the couple mentioned above. They  point out to us that the pictures show signs of some mental problem with Laura, possibly autism. Perhaps signs of being spastic too. We get really worried because it confirms what we ourselves have been fearing because of the dubious information we've been given, but we've been hesitant to admit it to ourselves. We contact our agency and persuade them and our local authorities to have a paediatrician and a psychologist look at the pictures. We also try to get our agency to request an updated health report from Vietnam. They are not very cooperative. But eventually we do get a report which we don't think looks too good but the paediatrician says there is nothing to worry about. So we decide to put our trust in that (what else can we do?) and we allow ourselves to be relieved and look forward to getting travel permission soon.

    As springtime advances and the time goes on and on, there is no sign of a travel permission. We’re told by our agency that the process is going to take longer from Phan Thiet than they thought at first. We still have a feeling that something is wrong. We have more meetings with our agency, demand more information – and action. We’re getting to a stage where we're ready to just hop onto that plane, permission or not.

28 May 1999 - Bad News

Bad news: Britha from our agency) calls us to say that appears that Laura’s mother has regretted the adoption. No final conclusion yet, but the family has asked for time to reconsider. It is unbearable. At this stage, the uncertainty is almost the worst of all – we just want to know if the adoption is on or off. I’m still hoping against hope, but deep down I know that this isn’t going to work out. I know I should be glad for Laura if she can stay with her birth family, but from what we have heard until now, I’m not sure what to believe… It would appear that if Laura stays in Vietnam, she may not even go back to her family. If she’s not well – and by this stage we do believe that there is something wrong – she may have to stay at the center anyway. And I feel that she is my daughter! Before the final decision is made, we once again have a meeting with our agency who is beginning to understand our plight and now tries to help us all they can. If this falls through, they say, we’ll naturally be first in line for another referral. Not much consolation, to be sure, but there it is.

4 June 1999 - Bad News Confirmed

Well, it’s final. The adoption of Laura has been officially withdrawn, and we’re left in limbo. To say that I am unhappy is the understatement of the century. The social worker asks us if we want to take a break for a couple of months to get through our grief before getting another referral, but if there is anything we do not need it is more months of waiting and feeling sorry for ourselves. So we decide to go ahead and get another referral as soon as possible, even though it’s hard to imagine that we can engage ourselves once again.

11 June 1999 - MOLLY'S REFERRAL!!

Today, just one week after the sad news, we receive another call from our agency. They have a little girl for us, this time from Hoa Binh in the north. She’s born in May this year!! So she’s just a tiny baby. They have no health report or other information yet but expect it within a couple of weeks. We consider for a moment to keep it to ourselves in case something goes wrong again, but quickly decide that sharing with family and friends is part of this process, and we refuse to let what happened earlier deprive us of that. I'm still grieving for Laura, yet I'm excited about our new referral. Although that's hard to understand, it's true.

21 June 1999 - Papers Arrived

The agency called to say that they have received the papers on the little girl. The papers have to be sent to the paediatricians for evaluation first before we get them (that's the procedure in Denmark), but they say that everything looks fine – that this is an “uncomplicated” case.

    Despite our recent sorrow, we are delighted.

24-30 June 1999 - More Paperwork

During this time we prepare various papers and forms once again (international wedding certificates, birth certificates, health certificates etc. etc.)

1 July 1999 - We Receive the Referral Package

At last! We get the papers. It’s indeed a little girl – Bui Thi Hao, born 19 May 1999. So she’s only about 6 weeks old. The health report is from 17 June, and all it really says is that “she develops normally”. Her weight is 3,1 kgs, length 51 cm. The letter of relinquishment from her birth parents is heartbreaking. Discretion forbids me to give the details here, but we feel sad for the family who could not take care of their little girl. No photos are included in the referral package – they’ll hopefully arrive soon. Needless to say, we immediately accept the referral. Yes, we are a little nervous that something may go wrong again, but we allow ourselves to feel the thrill of anticipation.

2-4 July 1999 - Molly is Her Name

I find out the meaning of the little girl’s name, Bui Thi Hao. Bui is the last name – a very common name among the Muong people. Thi means it’s a girl, and Hao means “goodness”. We are discussing what we will call our daughter – we have a few ideas – but in the end we decide to call her Molly. And she’ll keep her Vietnamese first name, so she’ll be Molly Hao Senderovitz Lacey – no less!!  J

17 July 1999 - Referral Photos

We’ve spent a week in France, and when we get back about 1.30 a.m. and open the mail box, there is a letter from our agency. It’s Molly’s referral photos! There are three photos of a very sleepy-looking, little baby. She is about 5 weeks old in the pictures.

  Click to see full size

31 July 1999 - Test Results Received

Molly’s HIV and Hep B tests arrive and are both negative. It seems we’ll be in a travel group of three families. We try to get the contact details of the other two families so that we might meet before we travel.

29 August 1999 - The Other Families

We’ve got news of one of the other families. Kurt and Anne-Grethe have two children from Hoa Binh already and are now getting their third child. We’ve arranged to meet with them in September.

1 September 1999 - Updated Photo

We receive an updated picture of Molly. She’s lying on her back, wrapped in a blanket. At least it’s obvious that she can move her arms and make a face! It looks as if she’s about to scream… but we take that as a good sign!

See the earlier referral photos.

  Click to see full size

9 September 1999 - Impatience Sets In

Still no news about travel permission. Our agency thinks that we will be the next group to go. But they don’t know when – whether it’s soon or will be another few weeks…. Oh, my kingdom for knowledge! Patience is a virtue, I know, but…. We want to go now!

22 September 1999 - Some News on Laura

We have heard from a couple who have just been to Phan Thiet to get their child. In all likelihood we would have traveled with this family if Laura’s adoption had not been withdrawn. They had a good trip. They saw Laura at the center (so she’s still at the orphanage!) L They said she seemed sad and withdrawn. They asked our agency’s Vietnamese facilitator about it and she said that there were many formalities before the girl could go back to her birth family. I wonder if she ever will…. I’ll be d…… if I don’t ask the facilitator myself when we get to Vietnam. Surely it won’t hurt to ask. Maybe there’ll be something we can do to help, perhaps financially?

23 September 1999 - Travel Permission!

We have travel permission!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, finally, finally! When the agency rang and told me the details about the G&R (Giving & Receiving) date, travel date, visa instructions etc. I had to ask them to repeat it all – when I looked at the note I had frantically scribbled down, I couldn’t read a word of it! My hand was shaking that much. I was at work, and afterwards I walked round the office block three times – I had to do something! My boss immediately arranged for a bouquet of flowers for me. I called Frank and told him to get the champagne ready. In fact, it had been ready for a long time – it lay waiting in the fridge…. So we drank champagne that night!

    We are to be in Hanoi for the G&R on 11 October, so we’re going to try to travel out on the 8th. What a feeling! It’s happening at last!

25 September 1999 - Travel Arrangements

We’re in luck. Getting flights proved to be difficult, but we managed to get tickets with Singapore Airlines on 7 October, with arrival in Hanoi on the same date, a Friday afternoon. So we’ll have the entire weekend to acclimatize and for sightseeing before getting Molly on the Monday. We book a room at the Green Park Hotel which has been recommended to us. Everything looks good now for the trip! We just need our visa.

4 October 1999 - Clear to Go!

The G&R date of 11 October has been confirmed and the embassy has sent our visa, so we’re all clear to go! We talk to the third family in our travel group, Mike and Ina. Like us, they will be getting their first child – a boy same age as Molly. Alexander will be his name.

6 October 1999 - We're Off Tomorrow

We’ve received our flight tickets, visa and travel itinerary from Mrs. Ha – our agency’s facilitator in Vietnam. We’re off tomorrow. Don't think we'll sleep tonight!